Tulsey Folk,

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was
time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience
into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully
withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket
watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude,
holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my
family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its
gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center
and Claude was never invited there again.

--
Reverend Lyin Kerrdawg
Territorial Governor
Tulsey Town Cattleman's Association
918-955-6190

Subject: Heart Warming Lawyer Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there
eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high."

Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story?

Look at Congress -- ov!er 300 Lawyers!!

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit, Jack was sitting on the
plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional
wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack
asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've
got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools,
and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the
media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll
your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in
the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.

I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll
take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck!"

Subject: A cowboy named Bud............

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an

ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS today.??